In my twenty-plus years of ministry, the last few months have proved the most difficult. The story is familiar, but I thought (naively) I could avoid it. A new, young pastor comes on staff, and months later, the staff members who have served, loved, and carried the church are gone. (Some of you know this crushing reality and still have scars to show for it.) Unless you’ve experienced something similar to this situation, it’s a difficult feeling to explain.
If you’ve been in ministry for any length, you know that how you view ministry often differs from how many in the pews view it. I’ve discovered that church members wrongly assume that ministers consider them “the job.” However, you can’t walk through the valley with a church and not come to love them deeply. Why be in ministry if you can keep your heart separate from your people? Therefore, when a minister’s family is removed from their church, there is only one way to describe it…crushing loss coupled with intense grief.
Grief…I’ve learned so much about this feeling that I didn’t realize before this point in my life. I’ve experienced loss, which culminated in grief. However, I’ve not experienced grief (to this level) because of others’ actions. (Typing that sentence causes me to realize how “lucky/blessed/fortunate” I’ve been.) So…what have I learned?
First, there are stages to grief, which are not linear. Of course, I’ve known about the grief stages for a long time (I did take some psychology classes), but I have not lived through the stages and then cycled back through them.
As a refresher, here are the stages of grief:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
A few weeks ago, I asked my counselor if I was correctly experiencing the stages of grief. I’ve always seen them as going from point A to point B. However, I realized I kept cycling: anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and then back to anger. She said something that revolutionized the way I view grief. She said, “Amanda, you know that grief is not linear, right?” Ummm…no, I did not. If you, like me, struggle to understand at what stage of grief you are experiencing, hear me say: Grief is not linear.
For some reason, this reality is so freeing for me. It’s OK to go from acceptance and back to denial and anger. It’s OK to feel like you’ll make it on Monday and then struggle on Tuesday. No two people experience or process grief the same. God is way too creative for that. So, don’t beat yourself up.
However, let’s also keep moving. I realize that the anger and depression stage is tempting to “sit” in and just veg there. But I also know it’s not the healthiest place to stop. When I stop and pull up a chair to anger and depression, I lose myself. I forget about joy, hope, forgiveness, and love. I forget that there is a God who will help me. So…I know I can’t stay there. I must keep moving.
Secondly, I do not have to be ashamed of my grief or explain it away. I’ve discovered that Americans, including Christians, are uncomfortable with grief. Of course, we send flowers, a meal, and even offer to run errands for those experiencing a loss. However, we do not know how to sit with someone in their grief.
Our minds begin to race: What should I say? How should I help? How can I get them “over” it? Instead of looking for answers, those in grief often want someone just to be there. Be present and lament with them. Realize that you probably do not have THE answer, but instead, you can offer them an ear to listen, a hug, or just silence.
Those experiencing loss inherently know that life will get better, and they will laugh again…eventually. But, in the meantime, allow them the opportunity to grieve and not be ashamed of their grief. In Romans 12:15, Paul reminds us: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Don’t rush people through their grief, but allow them the time to journey through their grief.
Finally, grief reminds me that I am human and live in a fallen world. In January, our new church’s pastor began a sermon series titled “Back to the Beginning.” He’s slowly preached through Genesis 1-3, highlighting the highs and lows of those chapters. Within three chapters, we go from a void and formless world to a perfect world with perfect communion between God and humanity and then to darkness, sin, and death. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions!
As he preached through the curses in Genesis 3:14-23, I realized (again) just how devastating sin is to humanity. Sin breaks our relationship with God, each other, and the world. Once again, Paul reminds us: “We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” (Romans 8:22-25)
There is so much to unpack in those verses, but the simple truth is that sin marred everything. We grieve and struggle through deep hurt because we live in a fallen world, among fallen people, and with a fallen nature. No one (including me) is free from the effects of sin or from being the one who sins.
Sin marred everything, BUT there is hope! HOPE… For those experiencing grief, hope is what (and Who) wakes us up every morning. Hope is what reminds us that healing is coming. Hope helps us endure the long nights and the distracted days. Hope, especially unseen Hope, keeps us going when we want to give up. Hope tells us that life will not always be like this because there will come a time when He will right every wrong. Hope…that is what I am clinging to in my grief.
I know I still have a way to go before I get out of my grief cycle, but I also know that I am not walking this road alone. I don’t have any “cute/pithy” coffee mug lessons, but I do have Hope. I have a Savior who has never once left me to grieve alone. He’s heard my frustrations and cries for justice, and He’s been there through all of it. He’s not afraid of my grief. He’s not afraid of my anger. He’s not afraid of my hurt. He’s simply not afraid. Instead, He’s present…silently, patiently, unwaveringly present.
My friend, I don’t know what is grieving your heart today. But, I would encourage you to turn towards Hope. Don’t shut out His comfort and presence. He understands and can handle whatever stage you are currently experiencing. Just don’t give up on Him because He hasn’t given up on you. I pray that you and I will experience Hope as we journey through grief.
