The year that was… So many statements can come after this introduction. The year that was difficult. The year that was heartbreaking. The year that was confusing. The year that was unexplainable. The year that was eye-opening. The year that was the first glance of freedom. The year that was…
This week is the anniversary of one of my life’s most difficult professional and personal events. A year ago, my husband called to tell me that a ministry partner/friend/family we had served alongside for over a decade was fired. He did nothing wrong. He did not embezzle money, cheat on his wife, or abuse his flock. However, he was fired without warning and without cause. This decision crushed us, and it was clear that the new leadership wanted no accountability. Once we began asking questions, we became the target. Two weeks after our friend’s firing, my husband resigned/was forced out. After fourteen years of serving a congregation we loved, we left. We left devastated, confused, hurt, and broken.
I have often said, “If we can just get to a year, then I think we can make it.” And…we made it.
Initially, I wanted to write a post highlighting only the good and beautiful things the Lord brought into our lives this year. However, the more I thought about the year, I realized that talking only about the blessings of this year would discount the lessons the Father taught me. The lessons came out of the crushing that occurred. I cannot share the good without first acknowledging the devastation. Our American Christianity wants people to put on fake smiles and act like they have it all together. I know this role well and received an Academy Award for it. But, in glossing over the hurt, people do not get to see our God at work.
Psalm 34:18 says, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” In my forty-plus years, I have experienced some dark days. However, this year was different. Never before had I experienced a crushing of my spirit. The word “crushed” means to be “ground into powder or dust.” Think about that analogy for a moment. When an individual takes an object and grinds it into dust, they exert so much pressure on the thing that it nearly dissolves. The object is still present, but it has changed forms. It has no power. It has no recognizable form. It seems useless.
However, in that very state of weakness and apparent uselessness, God shows up. Sometimes, seeing Him is difficult (if not almost impossible). But He is present. Not only is He present, but He is near, meaning right beside me.
And…He saves. I love the meaning of this word: saves. It means that God delivers, keeps, helps, rescues, avenges, and sets free. This past year has been a year of being set free. I spent so many years trying to fit myself in a man-made box that I had become useless. I was not free to do the ministry God called me to do because I was so busy trying to win the approval of men and not God (Gal. 1:10).
Although I will never fully understand why God allowed this crushing, I see Him taking the dust and forming it into something different. I am not the person I was a year ago… PRAISE GOD! I have more compassion for hurting people, especially those who experience church hurt. I understand what it feels like to question your faith and wonder if all of it is just a farce. I empathize with those who cannot darken the doors of a church or those who slip in unnoticed and then slip out unnoticed. I know what it is like to look at a church staff (especially a pastor) and question his/her motives. I have been the one who wants to throw up my hands and walk away from all of it. In fact, I was almost that person.
But… “To whom shall I go? Jesus has the words of eternal life, and I have believed, and have come to know, that He is the Holy One of God” (John 6:68-69). Peter’s confession has become my confession. Countless times this year, I have heard (in my spirit) Jesus asking, “You do not want to leave too, do you?” And…so many times, I wanted to say, “YES! I’m done!” However, regardless of the hurt, devastation, confusion, and crushing caused by man, I do not know where I would go.
Because the biggest blessing and lesson of this year is… I found JESUS.
Not a white evangelical form of Jesus. Not a Sunday morning/Wednesday night form of Jesus. Not even a Christmas and Easter form of Jesus. Just Jesus.
The Savior who saved me at 19 years old. The Jesus who called me into ministry a short time afterward. The Jesus I saw overseas in the faces of people who heard His name for the first time. The Jesus who my children said talked to them when they were scared. The Jesus who was present in those dark days where I did not know if my heart would make it. The Jesus who never turned away from my questions or pleas for justice. The Jesus who could handle my hurt and anger and sat with me as I raged at Him. Jesus…He is the One I found this year.
I do not know what this next year holds for me and my family, and I am learning that I really do not want to know. My selfish prayer is that this year God will begin to restore the years the locusts have devastated (Joel 2:25-27). However, regardless of what comes, “I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day” (2 Tim. 1:12).
The year that was… I am thankful for the “was” moments/events in my life! This year was a difficult year, but, Praise God, it is not the end of my story. Somehow, I think it’s just the beginning.
