While in church one Sunday, my seven-year-old daughter leaned over and asked, “Mommy, can women pray?” Taken aback by her question, I answered with an affirmative. After all, she saw me pray daily, so I was a little confused about the question. She asked, “Then why don’t they pray in church?” Dumbfound, I answered with some shallow excuse and told her we would talk about it at home.
At that moment, my daughter displayed more wisdom and discernment than many of our church leaders. Week after week, my daughter witnessed that only half the church actively participated, and she was honest and innocent enough to articulate it. Yes, women sing solos and sing in the choir, but rarely, if ever, do they give the corporate prayer. They certainly cannot say anything that would be deemed “teaching.”
Over the years, the church’s leadership adopted an ecclesiological structure where men had the authority to teach, speak, and even pray in church while the women were relegated to the sidelines. Women had their Bible studies, prayer ministries, and discipleship groups, but they had no freedom to share what they learned with the rest of the congregation. If asked, the leaders affirmed the space for women to pray (and maybe speak) in the open assembly; however, an unwritten rule said it was best if they did not.
A few months later, another event happened that would change me forever. The president of the seminary I attended was accused of mishandling sexual abuse and objectifying a young woman’s body. I will never forget what I felt when I read the story. I considered his wife a mentor then and knew he would correct this wrong. I waited…and then waited some more. The apology never came. Instead, he doubled down on his comments and refused to admit how much he hurt them. Didn’t he teach that the man’s role was to protect women? Didn’t he teach that women should graciously submit to the servant leadership of men in authority over them? Didn’t he teach that women could trust the godly men in their lives? So, what in the world was going on?
Shortly after these comments became public, the trustees removed him. One might think that I felt a sense of relief, but I did not. Instead, I felt a deep ache, leading to confusion, loss, and anger. Slowly, this question formed within my spirit: What if the “truth” of women’s submission and men’s servant leadership had more to do with misogyny than biblical truth?
For fifteen years, I believed and was taught the complementarian view, which states that men and women were made in God’s image and equal in their worth and standing before God. However, men and women had different roles. Men were called to lead, and women were called to graciously submit under that leadership.
Since that Sunday morning, I have observed the fruit of the complementarian position, and it is not good. Instead of protecting and esteeming women, I have seen abuse and marginalization. In Matthew 7:15-20, Jesus warns: “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.”
Not everyone who espouses a complementarian position is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. In fact, at this point in my journey, complementarianism—though a loose one—is what I still claim. However, recent history shows that the architects of the strict/hyper-complementarian position I was trained in produced harmful and rotten fruit. The leaders said with their mouths that they believed men and women were made in the image of God, but their actions proved otherwise. When half of the church believes that the other half is ontologically “other than,” victimization, abuse, and marginalization flourish. (I know most if not all, would disagree with that statement. However, one must look at actions over words.)
How did we get to this point?
Over the last five years, I have struggled with this question. To be honest, I am still wrestling with it. However, I have gained more perspective over the last few years, especially in the last few weeks. At the 2021 Southern Baptist Convention, the messengers asked the Executive Committee to form a task force to investigate the past twenty years of sexual abuse accusations against pastors and SBC leaders. They requested the EC to hire an independent firm, which they did. In May 2022, Guidepost released its report; and it was not good. Instead of protecting the vulnerable, the SBC leadership covered up and minimized the abuse while marginalizing the abused. In fact, they had a secret database with pastors and leaders convicted of abuse, but they did not share that list with churches. The men who said they would protect women and children failed.
So, now what?
First, I need to lament and repent of the harm this ideology caused to the people in my care. Second, I need to acknowledge my part in this story. I am not an innocent bystander but an active participant in believing, promoting, and teaching this hardline/strict/hyper-complementarianism. My entire theological training focused on women’s ministry and “biblical” womanhood. I have written papers, blog posts, devotionals, a dissertation, and published a book explaining why half the church has authority over the other half. Certainly, God has a better plan for His Church!
Finally, I must act. For me, this step is the hardest. I have built my ministry around this ideology and wonder what to do. However, I know I cannot remain silent. Many young adults I’ve mentored and taught contacted me to discuss how this theology affected and currently affects their lives, ministries, and marriages. My heart breaks for them. And my heart breaks for the role I played in it—the things I said to them in private need to be stated in public. I am confident that God does not waste anything, including the difficult parts of my journey.
My once seven-year-old daughter is now a beautiful preteen, entering into Jr. High (AHH!). She is growing in her relationship with Christ, and I love watching her fall in love with Him and His Word. My husband and I are responsible to her, our other daughter, and our son for teaching and modeling how men and women work together for the glory of God.
When God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness,” He wasn’t just talking about Adam. Scripture says, “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them…” (Gen. 1:26-27). Man, NOT God, put men and women against each other. In Christ, we have a new way of relating to each other, one that does not require one gender to be subordinate to the other (Eph. 5: 21; Heb. 13:1). I desire to spend the rest of my life learning that new way of relating and being faithful to model that to the next generation.
